Profound thinking happening again and I really hope other people stop, look, read and digest what I’m saying and start thinking the same way because this time, I think, what I’m trying to say really matters and really matters to us all.
I might not be saying it well but it comes from the heart.
So, here goes, here are my thoughts.
I have received some very bad news. The sort of news that hits you hard, takes your breath away and that you are uncertain how to deal with. I have learnt that one of my oldest friends died very recently and, despite the fact we had been talking about meeting up for a meal or a show for ages, it was always something we were going to do next week or next month or the next time he was in town but, that time never happened, we never got that chance. We were always too busy.
Then we both got sicker so we, were left with the chatting on the phone and messages on Facebook instead. Not the same as a face to face chat but better than nothing I suppose. At least we could spend hours gossiping, which we did, but even so….
Then he got even sicker, which I knew about because he phoned me from his hospital bed, but we were still planning on meeting up when he had recovered. Because he was going to recover, wasn’t he? I’m not because my impairment is incurable but his wasn’t was it? But it wasn’t.
Just over a week ago, I received a phone call from his sister to tell me that sadly, he’d died a couple of weeks previously.
It was too late.
Now we’ll never get the chance to meet up properly ever again and I so regret that.
That meal we were going to have, that show we were going to see together, that happy reunion we were going to have will never happen now. We’d had plenty of chances over the years but we’d always left it because we were too busy and there was plenty of time. But busy doing what? Not doing the thing that should have mattered most, being friends and taking time for each other and sharing our lives with the people that matter, that’s for sure.
On the day I got that call I’d actually been checking to see if he’d posted on social media as he hadn’t rung for a couple of days and I was vaguely worried as I did know how sick he’d been. I knew he had a new mobile but I didn’t have the number and I’d thought about ringing the hospital and asking for him but, as I didn’t know which ward he was on it would have been unlikely they would have put me through and, as I’m not family, they probably wouldn’t have told me anything anyway.
It’s not the first time this has happened to me either but, for some reason, this time seems to be particularly hard. Maybe because, unlike with the other people in my life who have died, he was younger than me – still in his forties whilst I’m in my fifties now. Maybe because we had been chatting on the phone only a couple of days before he died and ending our conversation with the well-worn phrase, ‘Chat soon. Sleep well.’ Maybe because, although we’d both known he was sick, neither of us had realised just how sick he was. Maybe because we’d always thought there could be a time for us to do our thing. Together. But that time never came and that’s so sad.
I didn’t even get the chance to go to his funeral to say my last goodbye because, by the time I got the phone call from his family telling me of his death, it had already happened and I’d missed it. Not that I think that I should have had special treatment, I was, after all, just a friend but it would have been nice to know. Not that I’d have been likely to have been able to make it due to my impairment but it would have been nice to have had the opportunity.
I think I’m going to become a lot more of a ‘live for today’ sort of person. I never want to find I’ve lost my final chance with anyone because I never want to miss out on a last chat with a friend or relative again – it hurts too much and, for the last time, goodbye my friend, sleep well.